Author Archives: MyGigaHurts

Ultimate Fighting Food Champion Bacon Takes On Tofu

Mr. Bacon vs. Monsieur Tofu Action Figures

Only one can remain at the top of the food chain!

UFFC fans lit up the forums today after the announcement of a planned exhibition fight between up-and-coming lightweight master Monsieur Tofu and reigning fryweight champion Mr. Bacon.  This is not the first time that Bacon has been challenged by a Vegejitsiu newcomer, but Bacon’s vast experience and willingness to “go for the crisp” aids him in overcoming the kinder, leafier style of the typical Vegejitsiu fighter. This will be the first time that he has met a Vegejitsiu fighter with stats (and an attitude) to rival his own.

Mr. “Hickory Smoked” Bacon, who is a  veteran of the UFFC, gained prominence in the league early on when he defeated Lady Egg “Mac” Muffin in three consecutive UFFC Breakfast Matches. He quickly became a fan favorite. His skill in the Mixed Culinary Arts was evident as he faced and submitted opponent after opponent, and the most viewed match ever in the UFFC occurred when “Hickory Smoked” met the then-reigning champ Sir Loin Beef in battle. The ground-and-pound which occurred in that match turned Sir Loin into hamburger. What was that? Oh! Never mind. I thought I heard someone groan.   Read the rest of this entry »

Herpes For The Holidays!

Welcome to the season when we wish we had no relatives so we could just buy ourselves all kinds of goodies for the holidays. OK, I was kidding…we all love shopping for the special people in our lives! You know, who doesn’t love the long lines at the mall for the latest gadgets, the traffic, the angry sales clerks, the tension headaches, and the cheap stocking stuffers.

This year can be different! Embrace the happy misery, start shopping early and finish even earlier by getting your family some toys that remind you of last Saturday at the club.  Looking for a fun way to communicate your latest contagion to your loved ones? See the rest of the gang after the jump.

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Voodoo Hoodoo!

Life is full of people – some people you may like and others that you can’t stand. There is very little you can do (legally) to those you do not like (thanks to the judicial system).  However just because you can’t re-enact your thoughts doesn’t mean that your dreams have to die there. Introducing the Voodoo Doll by Accoutrements!

You too can impart some friendly blessings and curses on the special people in your life. All it takes is a Voodoo doll, a little spite or goodwill, and some common household ingredients…. Voila! You are in business. Read the rest of this entry »

Mustaches, Eternally

Like comets that come into view once in a generation, fashionable facial hair trends come and go…only to reappear again.

Before mustaches were apparently hunted off the face of the earth, they were last seen in on the face of Magnum P.I., (not counting those quickly tiresome mid-90′s milk mustaches.)

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After all, Tom Selleck was the only person you could take seriously with a mustache (but like every one else, the P.I. would look ridiculous in a bicycle helmet.) Read the rest of this entry »

Tip of the Month: Local Store Pickup

Tip of the Month is brought to you in part by our “Inappropriate Product of the Day,”  Bell Ring For Sex. That’s right, we sell this glorious item, and somebody somewhere buys it! Which makes fairies happy, since every time a bell rings one gets its wings. But first that somebody somewhere who buys this stuff has to find it!  goHastings.com is known for having over 2 MILLION + products listed. That’s a lot of stuff, yo! “Tip of the Month” is a friendly (almost TOO friendly) reference to help you navigate the website and find what you are looking for fast. Thanks to our generous sponsors we have a dedicated a team of engineers to show you how to browse our site easily and efficiently.

Today we will talk about our friendly neighborhood Hastings stores and how you can save money and time by checking local stores for stuff from your computer chair before you start driving around.

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Gearing Up For Oktoberfest!

It’s September, and you know what that means… time to start planning for Oktoberfest! In my family, Oktoberfest has traditionally held a place slightly lower than Festivus and slightly higher than Bastille Day, but about even with National Hug Your Mutt Day (also in September). While gathering around the Festivus pole is fun, hugging dogs is a blast, and breaking out of prison is exciting, you just can’t beat a good brew-and-sausage laden fall celebration. Unless, of course, you don’t know how to yodel, in which case such festivities can be embarrassing. Although lack of yodeling ability is a common latent ailment in the general population, it can cause major issues at an event in which the ability to perform vocal feats has been likened by a fake magazine of your choice to “the ability to walk and chew gum at the same time.” Are you one of these challenged many who fall short? Let me offer you a solution which has worked for me.  I would like to introduce you to my pickle.

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Sales Pitches We Can’t Use in Real Life!

It’s Thursday, and that means it’s time for this week’s “Sales Pitches We Can’t Use in Real Life!” Check in often, because this may become a regular feature. Keep reading if you think you can handle it.

Need a Thursday pick-me-up? Tired of being a brown bagger? Take liquid courage or anything else that’s liquid with you in style when you adopt any member of the goHastings.com flask collection. These babies are discrete enough to fit in your purse or sock, but bold enough to help you through the day. We have flasks for every occasion! Weddings, Tupperware parties, and even dentist appointments won’t get you down when you are armed and ready.

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Frequently Asked Questions: Mullet Air Freshener

Mullet Air Freshener

Click here for Mullet!

If you’ve been paying attention so far, you know that part of the purpose of the goHasThings blog is to inform. I wanted to take this opportunity to address some of the questions that have been pouring in regarding the Mullet Air Freshener, which has the following description:  “This mullet car air freshener is a real babe magnet. I mean, what chick can resist a cute deer? Green Apple Scent. Weight: 1.6 oz.”  Several mysteries are raised with this item and its description.

1. How does a deer relate to a mullet? Explain the logic.

Obviously, the air freshener smells like a mullet. Mullets smell like apples. Apples attract deer. Their big dewy-eyed faces attract beautiful women, also with large dewy-eyed faces. So what we end up with looks something like an impromptu parade led by mullet and ending with babe.  (Please note, as a general rule, babe magnets do not work on babes who have been demagnetized).

2. Why green apple scent?

Mullets are known for being naturally fragrant and luxurious. Since they are fluffy on top, when their wearers walk under trees, stray strands brush the low hanging fruit. This creates the mullet’s signature scent. Read the rest of this entry »

Welcome to the goHasThings Blog of Things We Have

Box of Hope

Box of Hope (Hope NOT Included)

Welcome to our blog! No matter how you found us, whether you stubbed your toe on this page while stumbling through cyberspace blindly, or merely arrived here on a dare, we’re glad you know we exist. We know what you must be thinking: goHastings.com has a blog? Isn’t that a little predictable? Our response is, why shouldn’t we have one? Everyone else does.

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